Mockazine

Hot for Chocolate

You can learn a lot from late night television -- no, not THAT kind of late night TV; I am talking about the talk shows like The Tonight Show.  I heard Leno talk about an Italian study that says women are more interested in sex if they are given chocolate. 

Not that I would doubt such an obvious statement, but I looked it up on the internet and found an article on Chocolate.org.  I also found reference to the study on Worldhealth.net.  100% of the women I spoke with also validated this theory--thankfully without in-depth explanation.  Let's not forget Lady Godiva who rode horses au-natural.

I was trying to find the actual study until I realized I can't read Italian.  Good thing I found Chocolate Lovers magazine; a magazine that routinely examines the link between chocolate and sex.  It even has an advice column: Ask Mrs. Ghirardelli.  Some of the questions in this issue:

Dear Mrs. Ghirardelli, I have sucked off the chocolate, what do I do with the nuts?

and

Dear Mrs. Ghirardelli, My in-laws keep mixing chocolate with coffee.  Is something wrong with them?

The magazine is a staple among women of all ages.  It is a wonder this magazine is not a regular subscription among men age 18 to 35.

Perhaps the most stirring article is an expose on the growing problem of 30 (+) year old middle school teachers and Ovaltine.  Surely you have heard the many accounts in the past year of female perverts working in our middle schools.  Instead of adult interests in adult chocolates like mocha and dark chocolate, these women are stuck on rich, chocolatey Ovaltine. 

In spite of how wrong this is, these women are still not given serious sentences and they are given a pass on violating their probation.

I would love to go on, even give you sample articles, but I have to buy my wife some chocolate.

Picture credits: Lindt Logo, Woman's face from Anitapatterson on Morguefile.com, Chocolate bar texture, Hershey's Kiss, hot teacher

Are you interested in image editing?  Here are some of the resources upon which I rely.

Thanksgiving: Eater's Digest

Inspiration is a funny thing.  Sometimes and idea just hits you.  Such is the case with Eater's Digest.  At first, it was going to be a magazine about cr@p, because that is what happens when eaters digest.  Not a lot of direction to be taken with that theme, so after about a day of brainstorming with my wife, we came up with a magazine For people who love to eat, By people who love to cook.  Sounds like fun.  I might even read it.

Such a magazine would not advertise weight loss products or restrictive diets.  Rather, it would celebrate the gustatory senses: taste, smell, and touch.  Whether its gourmet eating or competitive eating this periodical would espouse the motto, "live to eat" not "eat to live."

Speaking of competitive eating, the sport was featured on a recent episode of Without a Trace.  I love to eat, but I don't think I can do it competitively.  While watching Without a Trace and a couple other crime dramas last week, I must have seen 15 commercials that, in some way, tried to convince me that Mediterranean cooking is replacing Italian.

Another food switcheroo is the turduchen; a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a sausage or seafood stuffing.  This bird (these birds?) have something for everyone.  I had it last year and it was delicious.  If you have not tried one, you should.   

One substitution I have not tried is the tofurkey.  This may be one of the funniest legitimate words I have heard, but I have reservations about the meal.  The ultimate will be the tofurduchen.  Doesn't that sound fun?

Now let me be honest, the celebrity recipes are a joke.  Inspiration for Cheeto pie and festive holiday toothpicks comes (loosely) from other satirists.  Rosie's brownies? Love her or hate her, you have to admit she seems bitter.  The remaining two items, W's corn and J-Lo's treats, come from Celebrities Eating.  Check the link and make sure you look at the J-Lo entry.  That artist has TASTE!

It's Thanksgiving and I am taking a few days off.  You should too.  Happy Thanksgiving! 

Images found on Morguefile.com by Clarita (man on scale) and sideshowmom (wild turkey).

It's Just Old Aids

Have you seen the CBS Public Service Announcement about the upsurge in Aids and the elderly?   If not, click here.

Apparently this is a serious problem.  So serious that Hector Elizondo encourages us, the viewership, to talk to our parents and grandparents about sex. 

Is there really an epidemic of elderly fornication?  Should I sit grandpa down for "that talk"?  It might start off something like, "Now grandpa, I know that you and Mrs. Simmons aren't worried about pregnancy, but you should still protect yourselves from disease."  But where do you go from there?  Imagine talking to your elderly parents and grandparents about your preferred brand or style of condom.  Maybe they don't know how these new fangled "female condoms" work and you should explain it.  Doesn't the local community center or retirement facility have a class for this?

Rest easy, a simple gift subscription to Senior Prom magazine will answer all those questions for your older relative who feels young at heart.  Although you may have to read it out loud, you don't have to worry about any dirty pictures because most of the readership can't see so well anyway: )

Photo taken by Mary R. Vogt and found at MorgueFile

Ru Paul '08

I was listening to Glenn Beck's radio program a couple of weeks ago when a caller commented on the previous days show, where a significant portion of the broadcast was spent interviewing presidential candidate, Ru Paul.  The caller was a little suprised that Glenn Beck would give Ru Paul so much time and that they would align on so many issues.

I was shocked to hear that a conservative talk show host would give time to Ru Paul as well, that was until Glenn corrected the man:  He had interviewed Ron Paul.  Ron Paul is the republican candidate who is sharply against the war in Iraq.

Of course, that got me thinking, "What if Ru Paul ran for president?"  Hence the latest edition of Model Candidate Magazine.  MC felt that Ru Paul can be the perfect unifying candidate if he blends liberal and conservative views into a homogenous melting pot; crossing party lines (and other lines as well).

Model Candidate is unlike any other political magazine because it offers fashion tips and insightful interviews with famous guests.  This issue features Paris Hilton's opinion piece on Global Warming. 

Model Candidate is not afraid to ask probing questions like, "In light of the ENDA bill controversy, how will you handle the transgender issue?"   I can guarantee that every 1st and 2nd tier candidate in this race would find the fastest way to change the subject.  Not so with Ru, who put on his wig and said, "Honey, we've all got issues."  The press corps laughed and Ru was able to explain how the president does not set the law, he enforces it.

Ru's biggest hurdle: how to handle the office of President and position of First Lady simultaneously.

Please click the image for full size. 

(Ru Paul Picture by: Paul Smith, Tel: 1(323) 462-3342)

The Big Business of Weddings

Weddings are one of the most exciting and significant ceremonies in our society.  Weddings are also big business.  If you recently had (or have been a part of) a wedding then you will easily recall the abundance of rules, advice, accessories, pieces, parts, and people that must be coordinated for the blessed event.  If you have not been in a wedding, watch an episode of Bridezillas and you will get the picture.

Six to 18 months before the event, if not years before, the blushing bride to be will start her search through wedding magazines.  These books are thicker than dictionaries, and yet multiple titles publish every month.  What else could possibly be said?

My sister had her wedding on July 7th of this year (yes, at 7 pm).  Her boss thought she might get a laugh from a mock wedding magazine cover created by the artists at SomethingAwful.com.  She passed the image along to me (and other friends and family) and I was inspired.  Her wedding was a wonderful event with wonderful stories surrounding it.  From this rich soil I harvested a bushel of great headlines.  But what if we took the wedding magazine another direction?  Imagine the futility and lunacy of a huge wedding magazine for, not brides, but grooms.  Viola, Men's Wedding is born. 

With a guilty conscience, I admit I might actually read some of this.  Click for the original image which is a more readable.