Mockazine

The Slippery Slope, or Sex Ed 102

I don't make a habit of ripping off other peoples posts.  Rather, I want to use this post to highlight another funny site.

While recently perusing the internet, I found Dark Roasted Blend.  This blog has won awards for its humorous posts.  Beware, you may find it comparable to Lay's Potato Chips in that one visit is not enough.  Prepare to sacrifice hours of productivity.

One such post includes pictures of "nightmare playgrounds" and I particularly liked the section on slides in part 3.

Just imagine the thrill your child will experience on this slide:

Wheeeee

Speaking of thrills, check out this slide; it's fun and educational too:

You will be able to tackle the "Where did I come from?" question with ease while sitting in the park watching other children come out of the slide.  Your child has fun, you take care of "that talk."  Everybody is a winner.

It seems to me that the park custodians should provide little white outfits with tails for each of the children.

Too bad it's not in the same park as this beautiful sculpture:

And while you are explaining biological processes:

Earth Day 2009

9 Earth Day Points to Ponder for 2009:

• What if Mother Nature put you up for adoption?
• Maybe Mother Earth is going through menopause and Global Warming is nothing more than a hot flash; climate change would likely just be mood swings.
• Carbon emissions can be greatly reduced if we cut down all of the trees to make paper.
• Global Warming is more about "hot air" than greenhouse gasses.
• CFL light-bulbs last 10 times as long as incandescent bulbs, but they cost 20 times as much.
• Why do we say we are "going green" when most of the Earth is blue?
• How much would we cut down on methane if vegans stopped eating beans?
• We waste more energy on climate change hysterics than we do leaving lights on in empty rooms.
• If an appropriate Earth Day gift includes dirt and rocks, what do you wrap it in?

Image found on SmallWorldBeauty.com

The preceding points are all natural and 100% organic.  No animals were harmed in the writing of this post.  Word processing was accomplished on energy-star compliant computers.  Blog hosting is provided by Typepad, which has the color green in their logo.

I Can't Believe It's Not Botox!

An economic downturn can lead people to new and creative ways to maintain their lifestyle while saving money.  An entrepreneurial spirit can take advantage of such times by inventing new ways to do things that cost less.  That's why Mockazine.com endorses I Can't Believe It's Not Botox, the at-home chemical face peel. 

The 100% organic edible face spackle naturally enhances the skin while it dries.  Peel it off with your top three layers of skin and be amazed at the youthful beauty hiding behind your wrinkles and age spots.  I Can't Believe It's Not Botox includes patented lipophage technology that actually eats away fat cells on the neck, arms, waist, thighs, and buttocks. 

I Can't Believe It's Not Botox is safe for most people and politicians.  While not a prescription compound, I Can't Believe It's Not Botox should be used under the supervision of a physician, nutritionist, cosmetologist, or phychiatrist.

I Can't Believe It's Not Botox should not be used with Proactive Solution, Noxzema, and certain soaps, deodorants, and lotions.  Side effects may include redness, swelling, bleeding, thin skin, acne, rosacea, dermatitis, eczema, shingles, and spontaneous combustion.

The Future of Pay Checks

Citizens, employers, and workers across the nation are shocked by the U.S. Government's expansion into private sector business.  With the firing of G.M.'s CEO, the White House has reached further into the private sector than ever before.  This administrations loose spending eventually must mandate a huge increase in taxes. 

Mockazine's crystal ball has opened up the future and seen a scary possibility: an eventual tax rate of 100% accomplished by direct deposit of employees payroll into I.R.S. accounts. The Government get's paid by electronic draft, the small business owner has a much simpler payroll tax process, and the employee gets a voucher to show how much he earned for the president.  Take a look at what your hard work will earn next year:

The check is made out to President Obama to spend as he sees fit, since he is going to do so anyway.  Graciously, the government will still allow your name to appear on the check so you can have the satisfaction of knowing that your efforts have, at least, been acknowledged, if not rewarded.

The 100% tax rate and automatic direct deposit are scheduled to begin with your first paycheck of 2010.  Unfortunately, while the government will assume your full paycheck in January of 2010, they are not expected to assume your possessions and debt until the first of 2011.  Mockazine recommends that you begin saving now to afford food and clothing in 2010 or quit your job and be one of the first on the new welfare system.

Obama: Bowing before a king?

This controversy over President Obama "bowing" before the king of Saudi Arabia is really much ado about nothing.  In a press release, the President's spokesman said he was not bowing.  That should be the end of the story.  Why would the president lie about something so small?  And yet, a large segment of the population still does not believe him.  Perhaps if he had answered the question himself, more people would be convinced.

Mockazine's intrepid reporters have endeavored to get a direct statement from the president.  The matter should be closed for good.  When asked if he was bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia--showing subservience and fealty, President Obama looked directly at his teleprompter and said, "Of course not!  I was not bowing to the king.  I was simply leaning over to check out the size of his stimulus package."

Pressing for more detail, Mockazine's representative asked, "So, how did it compare to your stimulus package?  Was it bigger or smaller?"

Without hesitation, the president replied, "Yes, mine is bigger."

Medication: Melo-Dramamine

Tough times can bring out the best or worst in a person.  If your family is experiencing a crisis, if you are under severe emotional stress, or if you have teenagers, try new Melo-Dramamine.  Our patented stress relief formula can restore order to your chaos.

The active ingredients in Melo-Dramamine specifically target hysterical behavior.  A derivative of Prozac, Melo-Dramamine will curb behaviors characterized by exaggerated emotions, stereotypical characters, and interpersonal conflicts.

Melo-Dramamine is safe for all women and children; especially pregnant women, women experiencing their monthly cycle, menopausal women, children ages 2-4, and teenagers.  Your children will love the candy coating.

Ask your local pharmacist for Melo-Dramamine and bring peace and tranquility back into your home.

 

Use only as directed. Talk to your family practitioner before secretly giving to any member of your family.  Melo-Dramamine is not intended for men who own Lazy-guy recliners.  Side effects include cramping, bloating, unexplained weight gain, abnormal body hair, headache, watery eyes, blurry vision, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset-stomach, diarrhea, spontaneous laughter, crying or yelling, coma, mood swings, panic attacks, sleep walking, liver failure, dry mouth, bad breath, Zombie-like state, and even death.

Melo-Dramamine should not be taken with NS-AID pain relievers, Pepto-Bismol, Aspirin, Midol, Nair, Benedryl, Whole Milk, Bologna sandwiches, Doritos, Ambien CR, Crest Toothpaste, Listerine, Viagra, Prozac, Paxil, or any other mood altering drug.

If you experience thoughts of suicide or an erection lasting longer than four hours, call your doctor immediately--even if it is in the middle of the night.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.

The Rape of Capitalism

Last month I wrote an essay about the violent way the Democratic controlled congress and the Obama administration are deconstructing our capitalistic society.  That essay is posted on my "serious" blog so it didn't seem appropriate to post a snide picture.  Nevertheless, I was inspired to make an image for Mockazine: