Finally I understand why I am gaining weight. It's not the copious amounts of junk food, fast food, and candy. It's not my sedentary lifestyle. I got a virus. See, according to researchers in Louisiana (and researchers in Louisiana KNOW fat people) a virus is floating around causing sore throats, runny noses, and fat. The study shows that 33% of obese people have the virus where only 11% of "thinner" people (and by thinner we mean size XXL) have the virus.
The ramifications of this finding are stunning. Not only can I blame my unhealthy state on invisible micro-organisms, BUT, doctors can now get to work on genetically engineering a thin virus. More importantly, New York City can legalize fast food again and we can stop counting calories!