2009 is right around the corner and that means it's time to make New Years Resolutions. As a dedicated public servant, Mockazine is here to help you craft your resolution list.
I resolve to lose weight by donating 75% of my food budget to fund the enlightened one's public works initiatives.
I resolve to live a "green" life (other than being envious of the pretend happiness of stupid bumpkin Christians). I will live a green life by giving up my car so I can afford to buy compact florescent bulbs for every light fixture in my house.
Further, I will go "greener" through water conservation whereby I will only shower on Wednesday's and Saturdays. On in-between days, I will make liberal use of hand sanitizer which is still more sanitary than the French.
I resolve to not beat up elderly women who disagree with my political views. Pushing them to the floor is not technically beating them up unless I kick them too, right?
I resolve to continue to try to impeach President Bush even though he won't be president any more.
I resolve to stop whining about the past 8 years and start whining about something new in addition to the supreme court and the Democrat's non-filibuster-proof majority.
I resolve to marry anyone or anything I choose regardless of stupid states and their stupid laws because God wants me to be happy even though I don't believe in Him. Broccoli and I WILL live happily ever after.
I resolve to hug a terrorist and let him vent--even if I don't understand his language or his culture.
I resolve to make conservative media and conservative blogs a hate-crime because I hate them.
2009 Resolutions for Conservatives:
I resolve to look for a new political party because Republicans and Democrats are too hard to tell apart.
I resolve to hoard food, blankets, and gold for the upcoming collapse of our society.
I resolve to go to church, even though it will be illegal.
I resolve to carry future pregnancies to full term because someone has to keep the human race from becoming extinct.
I resolve to build a ham radio and a repeater station to keep Conservative Talk Radio on the air.
I resolve to stock up on hunting rifles and ammunition for home protection and to provide food for my family.
I resolve to bathe at least twice a week or whenever clean water is available in the post-apocalyptic world.
I resolve to abstain from Obama-Derangement-Syndrome because the whole "president"-Derangement-Syndrome thing has gone too far. Besides, the Liberals are already whining about him.
I resolve to vote for Sarah Palin and other conservatives like her in 2012.